It will all add up to something.

Maybe/Maybe Not (And That's OK)

One foot in front of the other leads to the summit.

For the last 3 months we have been training for a wish bucket backpacking trip.  As we head into the weeks to “peak” it is getting real.

Somewhere in late July or early August when I was suffering with the training plan intersecting with some lingering long covid symptoms a friend of mine assured me “keep going – it will all add up”. I was not so sure as I spent several uphill efforts sitting in the weeds feeling like death.

Fortunately, I was following an incremental plan and just kept going.  Using a great deal more kindness for myself than ever before I showed up and did the prescribed workout to the best of my ability on that given day.

What is interesting is that we are not doing some super long hike of thousands or even hundreds of miles. For us, however, it is the longest and hardest we have attempted. It is also the first time involving many logistics – flying on a plane with gear, Uber car rides, ferries, permits, and more.

It is very exciting and a bit terrifying. 

The “never enough” part of me wants to keep over-thinking, planning, and preparing.  The “I’ve had enough already” part of me wants to take the 30lbs of nonsense out of my backpack, throw it in the closet and go sit on the deck with a nice glass of wine.

Both are true.

For the moment I am leaning into the “peak”, whatever exactly that is going to be, and reminding myself that the weeks of tapering off with more rest are equally important to our success and enjoyment.

It can be hard for me to see rest as an active step in getting stronger, fitter, and generally better and yet it is restorative glue that holds it all together.

The same holds true in my business.  Stopping. Resting. Disconnecting.  Waiting until tomorrow to solve an unsolvable problem. Making space for the dust to settle before addressing a difficult email or conversation. 

These are the most valuable choices I make.

Not the “grind it out” ones.

Sometimes this paradigm shift feels like I am walking sideways on the planet with only ½ the gravitational pull keeping me in contact with the ground.

Uncomfortable but not terminal.

What if it does not all add up?

I have past experiences of going “all in” and ending up devastated despite my best efforts. This happened over and over and over…  These “little” (quotes because it is not little at all!) traumas can always be just below the surface.

What happens if it does not all add up to something?

What if it falls apart?

Doesn’t work out?

Wasn’t “enough”?

The inner critic wants to point this out to me in what feels like an infinite scroll sometimes.

The truth of the matter is – we never really know if it will, or it will not work out. I do not know. You do not know. There is no way of knowing!

I find this a freeing and humbling truth.

Yet we do it anyway.  We dream. We choose. We act. It is the spark that keeps the fires burning. It is this very act of turning toward my yearning that is so meaningful and vulnerable at the same time.

All this and it is still worth doing.

Giving myself permission to lean into the excitement and feel confident that it will happen is a growing edge for me. 

Doing so without lingering on worrying and somehow trying to tamper down my excitement as a proactive preventative measure of lessening the disappointment or pain if something does not work out is a revolution. It is not easy.

As my therapist says, “You can and will handle disappointment if it happens.”

Whaaaaat?

I think you darn well better be here for me if that happens missy!

Yet…

Could it be as simple as that?

My mind still has trouble holding this idea. I’ll just deal with it if or when it happens? Because let’s face it in life and business there will be disappointments. There will be grief. There will be moments that hurt.

But I don’t have to hedge my bets to minimize my celebration or joy “just in case”.

Those years of working in security, risk management, and auditing honed my “look for what’s wrong or what could go wrong” skills quite well thank you very much.

Now I get to swap out a different lens in how I see.

Put one foot in front of the other.

That is literally and figuratively what I am doing right now.  Slogging around the neighborhood with my pack on. Hiking in the woods on the weekends in all weather. Yelling at my computer doing pre-hike strength training in my living room. 

Staying measured and looking forward to the adventure ahead.

It will all add up to something.

Discovering what that something is?

It must be meant to be an adventure in being curious.