Stop kicking your own ass.
Bullying yourself is not the answer.
One of my favorite one-liners when I speak to business owners is “if you are self-employed and working for a total jerk, you have only one place to look – in the mirror.”
It never fails to get a laugh. The subtle “oh shit I know this one all too well” chuckle.
This idea first struck me in the early days. I left corporate because that environment, productivity at all costs, putting in the time regardless of capacity, and bosses who wanted me to leave my personality at the door was a terrible fit for me. Yet when faced with figuring out how to run a business that can pay the mortgage and be sustainable, I fell into the trap of creating the same toxic dynamic only this time with myself.
When faced with stress my go-to is to over-function and to take ownership not only for what is mine but for “all the things”.
I have learned this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Tell that to my tender, scared thirty-something self that was attempting to navigate open waters after almost 20 years in big corporations. She would not have been able to hear it.
Why Does it Feel so Hard?
When I move an item from my to-do list from one week to the next to the next for months (or ahem, a year or so), something bigger is at play. It is not that I don’t know how to get stuff done. Efficiency and essentialism light me up! It is usually because of one of the following reasons:
I do not actually want to do the thing.
It is not important to do the thing.
What doing the thing feels like or what I make it mean is triggering to me
I do not have capacity to do the thing (hello fellow exhausted overachievers!)
I need more information, tools, or know-how in order to be able to do the thing (this is rare but can happen)
Sometimes it is simply a big whiny part of me saying “But I Don’t Wanna!”
The last 3 years have taken a collective toll on all our mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. I don’t know about you but what I could crank out in 2019 is wildly different than what I can will myself to do in 2023. The world is on fire (literally and figuratively), society is a hot mess, and we have all been forced to acknowledge our mortality a bit more (at least if you have not been numbing out under a rock since early 2020).
I have come to see this as a valid reason to pause, assess, and sometimes defer or ditch the idea altogether. It signals something deeper I need to tend to.
It also has a direct impact on what I want to do, what I am willing to do, and what I am capable of accomplishing. This is not to say I don’t dream big (I’m training for one of those big dreams right now). It highlights the reality that I need to align my strategies and actions with what is true not what I wish were true.
Maybe We Are All Just Tired (and a bit weary)
As I chug along in my early 50’s I find myself less and less willing to simply kick my own butt. It is an exhausting and unkind way to be – with myself. I try to guide clients who tell me they just need a kick in the pants and perhaps that is not the case at all. Most people I work with do not need a kick in the pants, greater motivation, or a lesson in getting more things done. They need a dose of kindness and self-compassion.
We all need a break. Breathing space. Spaciousness to allow clarity to show itself and for the needle on the compass to stop bouncing all over the place and illuminate our way.
I can think of times on adventures where we get off course. First, we need to stop. The “if you find yourself in a hole, first stop digging” rule. Then I take a breath to ground myself and my nervous system. Only then can I look at a map and compass and see what’s what. While doing that I must slow down. Otherwise whipping side to side looking around only makes the needle on the compass jump all around and I end up having even less of an idea of where the heck I am than I did before I stopped! There is nothing like making good time going in the wrong direction to tick me off.
Life and business are like that too.
Pausing and adopting a sustainable pace feels foreign to me. It might feel that way to you too. There is a good reason for that. Almost all the messages, systems, and expectations we receive day after day conspire against this. Pausing and saying no more often than yes upsets the very scaffolding on which the business treadmill is built.
For me this summer (which holds a splash of reinvention) is about spaciousness, pausing, learning, and re-orienting the inner and outer compass. It is not natural. It would be far more familiar for me to kick my own ass and force myself to fall in line. However, that will not get me where I want to go and it most certainly does not support turning toward my yearning.
I can relate.
Also, the more at peace we feel, the less we buy. In my cynical opinion, our society is designed to keep us jumping through those hoops, feeling "less than", and like we're not doing enough so we'll keep buying things to fill the holes in our soul. If everyone stopped and accepted the holes (or, better yet, found true contentment), our debt-based economy would collapse. IMO...
For example, we haven't watched TV in years (therefore, no commercials). Once you go that long and then see commercials, the manipulation is so blatant, it's shocking. That probably goes for social media, too. Our society is designed to make you feel like you're always coming up short... it's not just YOU doing it to yourself.
“The last 3 years have taken a collective toll on all our mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. I don’t know about you but what I could crank out in 2019 is wildly different than what I can will myself to do in 2023.”-- Ugh YESSS, you have narrated the story of my life in this piece. Let’s all take a collective nap! 😴